I have tried to write this post many times but I honestly can’t get it right. I don’t know where to start and I don’t know what to say.
In school, I have struggled. I feel like my school have dealt with the situation very poorly which left me feeling victimised and completely helpless. I think that it has made my journey with anxiety has been made by much harder by the lack of understanding by myself and others. I found it difficult to talk to people because it had never been openly talked about so I saw it as a taboo subject.
One day, I was in one of the worst places I had ever been. I had a multitude of panic attacks and was just feeling so low as a result. After leaving a lesson due to a panic attack, he came out to speak to me but I was in floods of tears so after trying to coax what was wrong out of me, he gave up as most people do. However, he did ask, rather unexpectedly, if I wanted to see him at lunch and talk about it then to which I said yes.
Lunch rolled and I didn’t know what to do because I didn’t know what to say. I basically said everything. I have never been so completely honest with someone before and if I’m honest, it really upset me. I had never admitted these things out loud before so saying all of these things made it all seem so real. He was so understanding and didn’t try to interfere with what I was saying. He just let me talk and wrote down some of the things so that we could remember and deal with them. This was over a year ago and I still have the piece of paper now which I refer to as we wrote many strategies to deal with the things. Despite having almost an hour, we didn’t even have enough time to talk about everything so we met for a 2 preceding lunch times and finishes talking about it.
After these occasions, our meetings and chats carried on. When I had a problem, I would go to him and he would give me the best advice to help me cope. They became much more frequent in the lead up to my exams as things got much harder. It went on for over a year and especially when things were really hard.
It didn’t always make things better though. After a long time of hiding it, I eventually had to tell him that I was self harming. I didn’t know what to do so I wrote a letter. The next day, he questioned me about it then said he was going to tell my head of year who I cannot stand. I cried and sulked a lot because there was a reason I didn’t tell her but soon enough, all the people I didn’t want to know did. I still hold this against him because all my head of year did was have a go at me! I know he probably only meant well but still!!
The first time I told him everything, I honestly felt so relieved and went from being completely hopeless and rather suicidal to actually thinking I could deal with this. I had been thinking very negatively in the time leading up to this but he actually gave me hope that I could cope with this and that I would be okay.
This man saved my life.
I have told him so many times that I would not be here if it wasn’t for him and everything he told me I was exaggerating or being stupid but it’s true. So many times I have been in a bad place and he has picked up the pieces and helped me cope. Without the help he has given me, I don’t know where I would be right now. It is scary that someone who I did not know 2 years ago has done so much to help me.
I am so grateful for everything because very few people would actually do what he has done for me. His job is just to teach me history, not to be a counsellor or deal with my problems. He has gone above and beyond what the majority of teachers would do for their students which is something you do not see very often. Even staff who are paid to listen to my problems or be a counsellor have not done it which is the reason I ended up in the place I was in; because no one cared enough to listen to me and brushed it under the carpet. He has as spent so much of his time and energy on me when most people have not. He has no real reason to help me. He has not gained anything from helping me, only lost his time. It is nice that he has done this of his own accord, selflessly and consistently.
He is an inspiration to me. He makes me want to help other people out like he has for me because I know how it feels so have someone who is so invested in you. I want to be able to reach out to many people who would not have any help otherwise.
Unfortunately, he is leaving. We are prolonging our goodbyes but I can’t believe he is going! I have probably driven him away with my annoyingness and problems though! I want to thank him for everything he has done for me and I hope he comes back to visit every once in a while to make sure I’m still sane or keeps in contact with me! I want to wish him and his wife, who is also leaving, the best of luck in the future with whatever they decide to do and hopefully he can go on to help more people the same way he has me!
(I was going to put pictures into this but it was way too stressful as it compromised my anonymity!)
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AuthorA 16 year old anxiety sufferer attempting to raise awareness through this anonymous blog :) Archives
July 2015
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